The last few weeks have been a lot.
As the woman in the house, I am the glue that holds everything together. Everything. I remember the days of wanting to feel like I belonged in my stepfamily. I vividly remember being the outsider. Sometimes the last to know things.
Now, I am the holder of all things.
I am the scheduler. Who’s coming, who’s going, and for how long. What are we having for dinner? That’s mostly me, too. Do we have enough groceries? Do we have the correct ingredients? When can I stop to get more? With or without my daughter?
I am the one keeping tabs on household cleaning. Kitchen floor needs vacuumed. Scratch that, whole house needs it. Toys everywhere. I delegate certain things out. Yes, even the two year old has things to do. No one is left out.
I am the gatherer. Does my stepson have back to school supplies? Does my husband have what he needs for work? Does my daughter have what she needs? If not, when can I get them?
Essentially, I am the brain of the house.
It is exhausting. It is so much. It is too much sometimes. There are days when I want to walk away from it all. I am crazy about my people, but I also need a damn break. I sometimes just want the noise to be silent.
I know I’m struggling when I start to get easily irritated. That’s not my personality, but that is what shows up when I’m trying to overdo everything. When I’m stretching myself toooo thin.
As women, we are trained to think we can do it all. Perfectly cleaned house. Well behaved kids. Happy life. Manicured lawn. Getting everyone around to where they need to be. Doing what they need to do. While simultaneously keeping tabs on everything.
I can’t do it all when I’m constantly interrupted. I’m on a steady rotations of interruptions in my house. It’s like there’s a secret code between everyone here. They seem to know when one of them is done talking to me and another one shows up. They cycle repeats all day long. Unless I’m out of the house.
I, for one, do NOT feel like it needs to be like this. I want to be able to sit alone in my house and just be able to sit. Catch my breath. Sit without feeling on edge about the next set of footsteps. Are they coming towards me? Away? How long do I have to hurry up and read/scroll/absorb what I’m doing? Is the noise ever going to go away?
We can do it all. With help. Starting with ourselves. Asking for help.
Can you relate to any of this?
