“Help! I don’t know if we are coparenting or parallel parenting! It’s making me crazy.”
Coparenting is when you and the other house are relatively amicable and can work together. Parallel parenting is just the opposite. Think: your house, your rules. Their house, their rules. Having said that, people will refer to the other house as coparents. Different context. Clear as mud?
Somehow, some way, your house and the other house have very different parenting styles. Very different rules. Very different boundaries. Very different consequences. Very different expectations. Very different thresholds for everything. Crazy, right? Nope. Perfectly normal. Promise.
Insert the holiday season (or not) and all of a sudden, one of your stepkids shows up with something that the houses “agreed” on not getting. A few examples: cell phones, gaming systems, tablets, laptops, makeup, whatever it is.
You (and probably your partner) are rightfully pissed. How could the other house just flippantly decide to do that?
I’m going to assume this is not the first time this has happened. You know the frustration of agreeing to something with the other house and then having it changed or not followed/implemented at all, right?
I get it. Been there. Done that.
It makes you want to rip your hair out. It makes you want to scream. It makes you want to throw your hands up and say, “EFFFFFFF THIS.” If we are being honest, it makes you want to retaliate, right? Don’t.
Unfortunately, that is completely normal. I, too, have felt that. Luckily for you, I have a way to work around that, but first a few things to get clear on otherwise you’ll be stuck on that hamster wheel going nowhere fast.
- It’s not the kid’s fault that the other parent
gave in andbought said thing.
It’s easy to be pissed at the kid, but it’s not their fault. They asked and got it. Santa brought it. Grandparents gifted it. They whined enough and the other parent relented. Regardless, it’s not the kids fault. Please don’t take out your anger/frustration on them.
- It’s in your house now. Now what?
Making a snap decision isn’t going to go well. You’ll likely say/do/try to implement something that won’t stick or you can’t enforce. Take a bit of time. Collect yourself, brainstorm what you want to do and then come back to this.
- You have choices.
After you get your thoughts straight, have a conversation about this item with your partner. Maybe they think it’s ok. Maybe they don’t. The two of you need to be on the same page. If not, don’t bother addressing it with the other house. It’ll be a disaster. Tempers will flare. Things will be said. Not good.
Have a conversation with the other house. Depending on how you and your partner have decided to move forward, stick to your boundaries/rules/expectations about the item or relax them a bit. Your house. Your call. Don’t let this turn into a fight-it easily will. Stick to the facts. Responding to emotional things will not help. If things start to escalate, end the conversation. “I can feel myself getting (insert emotion). Let’s try to have this conversation again at (date/time).” Even if it’s not you getting upset, reschedule.
There’s a good chance having a conversation with the other house isn’t going to be helpful. You know that. I know that. Do not attend every battle you are invited to. We had a conversation with the other house because we put in technology expectations at our house-different conversation for a different day. We wanted them to know why they kids weren’t responding right away.
At the end of the the day, if your house is the “strict” one, that’s ok. Don’t take it personally. Your house. Your rules. Kids actually thrive with structure. In fact, they crave it. They will tell you differently, but it helps them feel safe.
Tell me this, do you coparent or do you parallel parent? Leave a comment and let me know!
PS: Looking for additional Stepmom support? Like 24/7 support? The Stepmom Side Community is a private, off social media forum just for Stepmoms. Connecting with other Stepmoms that GET IT is the best kind of support! Every Wednesday, I hold Office Hours. You can pop in, ask me anything and get advice in real time! You need this kind of support!
