Dear New Stepmom,
Hi. How’s it going? No, seriously, how’s it going? I ask because no one probably told you what was in store. Ask me how I know. (No one told me either.)
I’m sending this letter on to let you know all the feelings you feel (even the ones you don’t dare bring up because, well, you know…judgement) are completely normal. Frustrated by the lack of control? Normal. Overwhelmed by going from a childless Stepmom to a noisy, seemingly chaotic house because kids? Absolutely normal. Stressed out by the constant contact with the other house? I get it. Also: normal.
This whole Stepmom gig/role is hard. Really damn hard, but you don’t know what you don’t know. Meaning, unless you’re a Stepmom, you don’t get it. It’s hard to take on a role with so many wildly varying factors and having such little (if any!) say about it. I see you. You might find yourself thinking about running more often than not. This was me. It is easier to run. Promise. The not so easy part is staying and doing the work. I would not have the relationships or the marriage today if I ran. Most people don’t like to take long hard looks in the mirror-I sure as hell didn’t-but that’s where the magic happens. Let me show you…read on.
First things first: boundaries are your friend. They are hellacious to set and hard to maintain, but they will be relationship (life?) saving. If your situation is like most Stepmoms I coach, a lot of it seems like chaos (read: dysfunction). Probably is, if I’m honest with you. Where else do you remain in close contact with an ex? Nowhere. If you need help setting boundaries, check this resource out.
Once you have boundaries set, it’ll be “smoother” sailing, but still rocky. Normal. Everyone needs time to settle into their new normal. Change (even if it’s good!) is hard for people. Let’s speed time up-now everyone is settled into the new normal and you’re feeling pretty good! Yay…and then BAM! Out of nowhere. Something throws you off kilter and you spiral. Yep, happened to me too. I felt like I took 100 steps forward and 500 steps back. Here’s the thing, we all struggle. The objective to not stay there. Acknowledge that you stumbled. Take the time to reflect on why it happened and what to change going forward. It doesn’t always get easier, but you will get stronger.
People will have a hard time with you: the Stepmom. I promise, it’s not you. You and I could switch positions and I would be the person they have a problem with. It is not you. It’s what you represent. Even if this person is making attacks on your as a person. Your clothes. The way you do things. Basically, anything about you. It’s like you’re back in high school and you’re dealing with Regina. It sucks, but it is NOT about you. Friendly reminder: how someone treats you says more about them than it does about you.
Make sure you’re sitting down for this next thing…sitting? Ok, here’s goes: it may get worse before it gets better. If I would have known that, I would have been able to ride the wave of frustration a helluva lot longer. Grab a surfboard. You’re going to need to learn how to ride the waves of so many emotions. Note: do not kill yourself trying to operate at expert level. It’s not gonna happen. All of those emotions are valid. Feel them. Acknowledge them, but don’t stay with them.
Let’s talk about all those things you did before you fell into the grind of being a Stepmom… dates with your partner. You workout classes. Going out with friends. Binging on your favorite shows. Sports events. Traveling. You know: the things that made you YOU? Do those. Now that you a bit into this journey of being a Stepmom, you feel like you have to sacrifice the things that bring you joy, right? Wrong. I mean, you can if you want. Here’s what will happen: you’ll become resentful that you gave up all the things you loved only to feel unappreciated by your partner, the kids, and the ex. You’ll berate yourself about “being so stupid of falling into this rut of not making time for yourself.” How do I know? I did it. One day, I didn’t recognize who was staring back at me in the mirror…
Which leads me to my next point: get support early (and often)! Remember how I mentioned that this gig is hard? Like, REALLY hard? There are so many emotions. So many factors outside of your control. You will feel crazy. Trust me. Personal experience. You’ll feel like things are going well, and the next thing you know, you’ll be in over your head. Way over your head. Get the support to have the tools to make it through so being a Stepmom does not consume your life.
One of the the things getting help will teach you: prioritizing your mental health is the best thing you can do. Set boundaries. Do things that bring you joy. Know when you need to say no or take a step back. It is ok. It does not mean that you love your partner (or the kids) any less. It means you love you more (that’s a good thing!). You can’t show up as your best self if you’re pouring from an empty cup.
Your relationship is worth it. You are with you partner in spite of the kids and the ex. Not because of it. Approaching stressors/issues as a “we” is hard work. Once you and your partner find your relationship rhythm, things will smooth out a bit. I’m not saying the stressors won’t be there, but they will be easier to manage. Want to know what else eases stressors? Scheduling date night with your partner. Having couple time (read: no kids!) to do what you guys want. Make that a priority.
I’m over here rooting for you. You’ve got this.
From a Stepmom that has been through it,
-Alicia
PS: I never thought I would get through the stressors and now here I am coaching stepmoms! Who would have thought?
