How many times have you thought you’ve needed boundaries, but have been too afraid to implement them? Nervous? Shy? Ashamed? to say it? More times than you can count? Let’s change that.
I can relate. I have definitely not implemented boundaries-mostly out of fear. “What if it upsets them or so and so?” What if…. What if…. What if…. Why go round and round? Do something about it.
No more. You don’t need to be trapped in that cycle. You owe it to yourself to pour from a full cup-if you’re not looking out for you, how can you expect anyone else to?
I now decline things that don’t energize me. I have implemented boundaries. That is crazy to say. The Alicia from 2015 would have never done that. She would have continued on her people pleasing ways and been content-ish in life. That’s the thing, I don’t want to be content with my life. I love my life. I have enjoyed it more since I’ve set boundaries-substantially more. I’m happy.
Setting boundaries is hard. You might hurt people’s feelings. If you are “hurting” their feelings by setting boundaries for yourself, what does that say? Your lack of boundaries benefitted them.
Ask yourself, are you expending too much on something that’s causing you stress? If so, let.it.go. Damn is that hard: letting things go. There’s no reason for you to hold on to this (behavior, person, emotion). Take the time to acknowledge what you are feeling. Be kind to yourself. Please stop ruminating.
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What’s stressing you? Holiday schedule? Here’s how I would work it:
You and your partner decide what your plans are. If the kids are there, great! If not, they’re not. Living in limbo sucks. There are so many questions, and as a stepmom, it truly sucks-it feels like 15 people are calling the shots and you are along for the ride. Make your household plans-and uphold them. Be kind to your husband, too. He’s going to miss the kids. It has nothing to do with you.
Have an “ours” baby? Decide on what works for your family. We have a little and nap time is nap time. She’s pretty damn easy-I cannot complain-but I’m not going to run her ragged to see people for the holidays-family included. I know what she can and can’t handle. My job, as her mother, is to look out for her-even if other people don’t agree with what I decide.
In laws stressing you? Your partner can handle that. No need for you to do all of the communicating. Oh! You don’t like to go to their house for hours on end, because you’re uncomfortable? Speak up! Tell your partner! Delivery is key. Make it about you, because, yes, it is about you. “I would like to be there for (this long). I want time to unwind-take a bath, read a book, pack for vacation, have a glass of wine, sleep. If you want to stay longer, could we drive separately?” Sound crazy? What’s crazier? Staying there and hating it.
Is the ex making last minute changes to the visitation? This is where having a game plan of what your plans makes it easier. Just assimilate them in. What if you have adult plans and the kids can’t come? Say so. Speak up. Even if it makes you look like the bad guy.
I spent years being the “bad guy” after implementing boundaries for my family. Now? My boundaries are strong. It doesn’t happen over night. It’s hard. It’s awkward. It’s change. Once the new “normal” settles it, it becomes easier. I promise.
Practice, practice, practice. You feel like a crazy person practicing what you’re going to do/say when a situation happens. You’ll be amazed at yourself when it actually happens and you flip the script…
If you’re looking for more direction on how to set boundaries and get things in order as a stepmom, let’s work together!
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